2015上海黃浦區中考一模作文範文
Ø 昂立中考名師李少白老師範文
I’m not a coward girl any more
How time flies. After three years gains with pains in junior high school, now I’m so proud that I’m not a coward girl any more.①
Still I remember the first PE lesson when I stood alone in the playground, not daring to② come towards anybody to play with them. I was so coward! That night, Mum encouraged me to greet everyone the next day. Hard as it was to me, ③I tried and got warm responses surprisingly! From then on, I always remind myself not to think negatively before I try. ④Like magic, my courage has brought me good friends, third prize on Campus Speech Contest and even a chance to give a speech in Shanghai Children’s Art
Center!
With the courage, I’m confident to greet the challenge ahead in life.⑤ (117)
Ø 內容分析
本篇開放話題，寫一下自己成長進步的故事。類似話題同學們應該非常熟悉，如2005年中考"Growing pains and gains”，2010年中考作文"I am proud of myself’’, 以及我們中考衝刺班上寫過的題目 “I’d like to say goodbye to…. ”。例子應該不難想，如何用清晰簡練的語言將成長經歷記敘清楚並得出有意義的.結論才是重點。所以語言組織上需多斟酌。
Ø 精彩亮點分析
l 亮點一： 首段感嘆句+表語從句，精幹開場點題。
l 亮點二：現在分詞not daring(不敢)，一句話說清楚當年是如何coward(膽小)的。
l 亮點三：Hard as it was to me as引導讓步狀語從句倒裝句，強調勇敢邁出第一步對於我之難!
l 亮點四：善用before狀語從句,表達能更地道。
l 亮點五：從coward到confident,一句話點明對我的積極影響，昇華主題。
l 亮點六：文中一些小詞如come towards, like magic, ahead等的準確新增讓傳情達意更進準。