寫在看完Bang Gang之後雜文隨筆
The singer asked:“How are you feeling tonight”? I shouted:"Dead." Then I asked myself: how can that be the first word that pops into my mind? How can I feel so dead when everything I do is to stay alive?
Then the girl standing next to me shouted:"Lonely." But she said it as if it were a dark joke. Everyone puts a little bit of their heart in the jokes they make. I wonder where her heart is. The singer was not taken aback by this answer. He did a vague smile and then said:"Maybe there’s someone else in the crowd who is also feeling lonely, so you can reach out and talk to each other." Then he paused a bit and adjusted his guitar, added:"We all feel lonely sometimes. Maybe more than once or twice, maybe millions of times." I love the word million, not because its quantity, but it’s intensity. I watched this interview of some female writer some days before. I can’t remember whether she’s Angela Carter or Zadie Smith. The writer said something like:"It all depends on what you want to achieve with your time." My answer is intensity. I choose intensity. I want intensity from this life.
I take a close look at the singer. He has thin hairs. I wonder what kind of hair shampoo he uses. He doesn’t look different after 10 years. It has been 10 years since I first heard Forever Now. 10 years is a long time. When you are young moments are years. Then years become moments after you reach some point in your life. I don’t know whether it’s a good thing or bad thing. Maybe there are just not that many things to remember in this life. You are meant to let go.
When they started to sing Forever Now, I wanted to cry, but I held it back because I am not a sponge. I am a filter. You were right about that. I am not a human being. I hurt to feel alive. I destroy myself to become more. I don’t have any faith left inside. I gave up on that kind of love million years ago. Then the lights changed from dark blue to a warm beige. That’s when I noticed the music had gone. Back to reality and feeling like a ghost from my own past.
十年前科比還在打球，那時候的夏天沒有現在熱，某一天凌晨一點半我的隨機播放裡出現了Bang Gang，下載了一堆放在電腦裡，睡不著的時候拿出來聽。現在睡不著的時候我不再聽歌，因為知道時間經不起放任。
演出開始之後的前二十分鐘前面的人幾乎沒有律動，光顧著拿各種器材記錄現場。在這種時候我會覺得上海真是死氣沉沉，一點可塑性都沒有，跟著音樂律動這麼本能的事情都不會，活著還有什麼意思。但我多麼幼稚多麼狹隘，人選擇自己要的東西，天經地義，甘之如飴。
其實已經很多年不聽他們了，頂多是在整理電腦檔案的時候偶遇之後聽一下。但人應該記得自己小時候喜歡的東西，因為記得是忘掉的第一步，然後才是檢驗，檢驗之後就能得出暫時的結論，在下一次更新換代之前保持平靜，過得開心。最近單曲迴圈最多的歌是Here She Comes Again，聽一首歌聽到吐是我從小養成的好習慣。
演出結束之後我戴上耳機，幽靈似的`逃出人群，去地鐵站的路上抬頭看了一眼比我走得還快的雲。突然想到早上出門的時候有很舒服的風，家門口的梧桐有好看的顏色，希望明天還會有。